Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion

The Onion loves Dice-K:
BOSTON—Now that Manny Ramirez has reported to camp and the spring-training opener against Minnesota is in the books, Red Sox fans are turning their attention to the awesome power rumored to dwell within much-touted off-season pitching acquisition Daisuke Matsuzaka—a man who many say possesses pitching powers and techniques beyond the comprehension of mortal fans.
"Daisuke is the pitching master!" said Boston Globe baseball columnist Bob Ryan, hopping from one foot to the other as he described videotape footage of Matsuzaka's otherworldly pitching power and control banishing a flock of evil, conniving, left-handed-batting carp-spirits to the netherworld during a 2003 Seibu Lions game. "His Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion breaks three feet inside before cutting sharply toward the dugout, where falsehood and cowardice are forced to shrink before it!"
"Battle on, Daisuke! Wither their spirits with your mystical Four Winds Split-Finger Shottu-jitsu! Repel their cruel affronts with your Triple-Star Cut-Fastball Technique of the Joyous Uplifting Dynamo, clocked at a respectable 96 miles per hour! And baffle their comprehension and deceive in turn their deceitful hearts with your Two-Seam Shadow-Strike Clouded-Eye Shinobi Sinker!" said 44-year-old accountant and spring-training attendee Roger Fettleman, quoting the back of Matsuzaka's Red Sox rookie card almost word for word as he watched the right-hander warm up in the bullpen before his first Grapefruit League start. "Truly, it is within your grasp to go 16-4 with an ERA under 4.00!"